THE UNIVERSE APPREHENDED

Thanks to the combined, dedicated, heroic and unswerving forensic efforts of cosmologists and ATF Special Agents, the world's most, mercurial and fugitive fugitive, the Universe, has been apprehended after almost fourteen billion years at large, evading even the most sophisticated efforts to bring it into custody.

Fast forward: The Trial - The Planet Earth vs. The Universe

The Universe didn't look so big and bad being hauled manacled and in leg irons and chains into Federal Court earlier today accompanied by California State Police. Federal Justice Gary Joseph Easton was perceptibly astounded when he saw the charges leveled against the Universe.

The indictment drawn up against the Universe lists crimes so myriad and heinous as to defy the imagination. The Universe is known to have performed equally myriad acts of loving-kindness, but it has been amply demonstrated by the Prosecution that these were either meant to throw authorities off the track; fronts intended to conceal illegal and nefarious activities or money-laundering operations. The more minor charges against the Universe include paedophilia, zoophilia, piracy, use of computer software without license, tax evasion, marketing tainted toothpaste internationally, tapping bears for their bile, counterfeiting, pandering, extortion and one charge of loitering. The Universe was charged with innumerable capital offenses the world over as well. A mere sampling of these include: murder during hostage-taking, murder for hire, treason, adultery and apostasy. Among the military capital offenses allegedly committed by the Universe are participating in the Paris Commune, desertion during the American Civil War and not rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's. But the crime of all time that the Universe is being charged with is the notorious Big Bang. The explosion to end all explosions was originally believed by the Pinkertons to be the result of the detonation of an "infernal machine" by Anarchists for the sake of striking terror in the Multiverse, starting with downtown Chicago. But more in-depth investigation has proven the Big Bang to have been long-planned by the Family of the Universe to establish its youngest son as the undisputed kingpin in a network of organized crime that was intended to, and eventually would have, spanned the entire Multiverse had it not been nipped in the bud.

Not in the least bit apprehensive in the courtroom, the Universe swaggeringly pleaded guilty to all the counts in the indictment and was so brazen as to tell the Judge that its only regret is that they know so little of the Universe's "adventures". However, when the death sentence was handed down by Judge Easton, the Universe began to tremble. Escorted out of the courtroom by State Police, the Universe realized that it would be spending the next few billion years on Death Row.

Twenty Billion Years Later: The Execution

In time, the Universe mellowed, matured and waxed introspective. It took up tai chi chuan and began to read such treatises as The Tibetan Book of the Dead. It became genuinely repentant and a model prisoner. It wrote numerous books, some of which it illustrated, aimed at youth at risk warning them of the hazards of a life of crime. Yet, its every request for a stay of execution was rejected. Having exhausted every legal channel, and near exhaustion itself, the wizened Universe was led to the cell in which it would expire. Understanding that all resistance was futile, the resigned Universe contracted itself into the 6 X 9 X 9.5 feet cell. The metal door of the cell clanged ominously behind the Universe and the bolt was thrown. Immediately, super-heated gas began to flow into the cell. Five minutes later a tiny, barely audible whimper was heard…and then absolute, eternal silence.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com