Ms. Multiverse

It was a tough contest, but the judges finally arrived at a decision. Here's the moment we've all been waiting for. We have a winna! And now, without further ado, allow me to introduce Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmoethe 9838585, this year's Ms. Multiverse!

Step right up and speak loud and clear into the voice synthesizer, dear. My, you look and sound so excited. You're emitting photons and phonons all over the place. Not like the girls on earth who just tremble and giggle nervously. Is she?

I can't believe I won! I never expected this! There were soooo many beautiful contestants, from soooo many universes. I thought I might get Ms. Congeniality, because everyone's always told me the yellow light I transpire makes them feel so happy, but I never expected to be Ms. Multiverse. I feel soooo honored to have been chosen to represent my galaxy, Ademordna, and my universe.

No need to be modest, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmoethe 9838585. You were a sure win. You wowed us all in both the swimsuit and formal wear competition.

Step up to the electron microscope and let us get a better look at you. Oh, yes. You are a lovely creature. Lovely indeed. May I call you Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmo for short?

Of course you may! That's what they called me when I was a blastocyst.

Is it too presumptuous to inquire as to your vital stats? You are enviably statuesque and svelte, you know.

It's not presumptuous at all. I am 47.013 meters tall and weigh exactly 7.279495 femtograms. I'm very careful about my diet and never let my weight fluctuate. And I exercise a lot too. But I'm careful not to let myself get too thin. I was really traumatized when the top model in Ademordna died of anorexia. She had been soooo beautiful. When she died she weighed something like 6.734592 attograms. She looked awful toward the end. She was so young, too. It was a tragedy, a terrible tragedy.

What are your favorite forms of exercise?

Sports. I love to play demrmentatsisiygs.

I've never heard of it. How is it played?

Oh. It's something like a cross between your badminton and foosball. Just instead of being played with a shuttlecock or a ball, we use subatomic particles that exist in our universe called pasteyons. Their lively -8/7 spin really makes for a great work-out.

Ah. I see. Well, I must say, the results are stunning. And your complexion is positively radiant, absolutely flawless. How do you keep it festering and oozing like that? Can you let us in on your secrets?

Sure. Back home I use an exfoliating scrub with a pH of 0.2 that I concoct myself from things I find in my Mom's kitchen. Here on Earth a wad of fiberglass imbibed with Diet Coca Cola with Vitamins and Minerals is a pretty good substitute, but I do find the Coke a bit harsh sometimes.

And your hair! It's so luxuriant. May we ask how you care for it?

Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmoethe 9838585 tosses her magnificent mane, laughs and says. Oh, that! The most important element in having beautiful hair is choosing one's ancestors wisely. I only let it grow really long on my palms. The rest I keep neatly trimmed. She winks cheekily and smiles mischievously at the audience.

Is that your natural color?

The midnight blue is mine, yes, but the violet highlights are from a rinse.

And hobbies. Do you enjoy any hobbies?

Oh, yes! I love watching galaxies collide and painting my toenails.

That must take up a good deal of your free time. How many toenails do you have, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmo?

Four score and seven, last I counted.

What color is your toenail polish? Earthlings can't see in that range.

Oh, I'm sorry. How stupid of me. I keep forgetting the culture gap. It's frosted Kozmique Ray Blue. It makes me feel very feminine and goes soooo well with my hair. It's such a nice change from the Gamma Ray Grey I am expected to wear at work as an implanted 'bot too.

Your English is excellent, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmo. Where did you pick it up?

Why, thank you! At a store for second-hand designer clothes in the East Village. Just kidding. No, actually, when I was selected Ms. Ademordna I began to read Beowulf. Then I simply extrapolated what the development of the language would be by computer-simulating your culture and history and by the time I got here for the Ms. Multiverse contest I spoke what you call modern English with a few anachronisms.

Smart girl. Good thinking.

What do you like most in creatures, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmo? What are your turn-ons? What really gets your juices flowing?

Well, I get bored quickly. So, I really like creatures with a quick wit and short half life. A short half life is soooo hot.

And what turns you off?

Intolerance, impatience and lack of BO. Definitely. Also the red button on my back.

What are your plans for the future, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmo?

My long-term goal is to evolve into a Drormentejthemiszimentjltl. In the intervening light years, I'll use the prize money for travel. There are soooo many universes that I want to see! I've received soooo many invitations to stay with the many friends I've made among the contestants. I'm really excited about the prospect of visiting them and seeing their home star systems. Oops, there I go exuding the photons and phonons again.

There you have her, Ladies, Gentlemen and Life Forms of All Stripes, Xcolodjenenrhneymenejtmoethe 9838585, this year's Ms. Multiverse! Those of you that have hands, or reasonable analogues thereof, give her a warm round of applause.

Be careful descending the ramp, dear. Don't trip on those stiletto heels.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com