Now There's Hope - Bibliophilia Recovery Program

OK, let's dispense with the 40 questions for self-diagnosis. You know who you are – and so does everybody else. Think your family hasn't noticed that you spend four hours on the toilet seat – every time you go? Or the cleaning lady hasn't seen the stacks of books under your bed? Get real.

We're here to offer you help – serious help for an otherwise intractable illness that is progressive and ultimately fatal.

The Bibliophilia Recovery is a simple program based loosely upon, but in no way associated with, 12 Step programs.

The Bibliophilia Recovery Program is a 12! Step program.

That's right. You read correctly. It's a 12 Factorial Step Program and you must do all the steps, in order, or it won't work. Half-baked measures will avail you nothing. Just surrender your will and judgment and do exactly what we tell you to. Shut up and let us love you until you can love yourself.

The Step One is admitting that you're totally insane. From there you can proceed reasonably toward taking responsibility for yourself. The Step Two is writing down exact nature of your ideation. Step Three is sending a formally notarized copy of what you have written while doing Step Two to all of the people you have harmed. Step Four is following up Step Three with cutesy e-mail: "Oops, I didn't mean it. I'm really sorry." cards. If those you have harmed do not respond with an acceptance of your apology, continue to send them the e-card repeatedly each day. Take each step slowly and go on to the next only when you feel you have mastered the one you've been working on.

Feeling a bit intimidated? Doubtful? Yeah, we know it's a rigorous program. But, hey, you've got a serious problem and it's doing exercises right now out in the parking lot even as you read this.

If you undertake to follow this program faithfully, we promise you the freedom from addiction that has heretofore eluded you. You will be the person you have always wanted to be. Hundreds of thousands of people in hundreds of thousands of countries have recovered successfully using this simple program. Believe us. It can help even a hopeless wretch like you. Hey, it helped us and we were really skid row. You'll be able to get through a day, then a week, then a month, then a year, eventually the rest of your life without reading another book. That's a guarantee.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com