Wednesday, October 05, 2005

B & B & B

Thuh 'Merican gum-mint has formulated and produced a powerful new weapon to add to its arsenal employed in its never-ending war against lucidity and individuality.

The USians, encouraged by the results of the mandatory administration of Ritalin to schoolchildren whose indefatigable love of life and joyous enthusiasm was so disruptive and insufferable in public schools, will now be administering a new, experimental drug, which induces extreme apathy and euphoria, to children who are bright or caring, or, in the worst of cases, both.

Starting this school year, B & B & B will be administered to children deemed, according to rigorous testing, to be in dire need of being doped, uh, that is, calmed.

The administration of the drug will be on a mandatory basis, free-of-charge, to all children who were found to have IQs of at least 120 and/or evinced compassion or empathy to any degree whatsoever, in the course of the President's New Freedom Commission on Mental Health screening program. The screening, which is quite obviously worth every tax dollar spent in developing and implementing it, has proven scientifically that these children are extremely disturbed and potentially dangerous to society. They simply cannot be allowed to disrupt the flow of public school indoc…um, education. They must be controlled – for their own good and for the good of all decent White Christian folks.

The promising new drug will be marketed by the name of B & B & B, after the ideal personality that the drug is designed to induce in those who receive it – that of Barbara Bourbon-Bush.

The remarkable pharmacological innovation in the development of B & B & B is that preliminary testing has revealed that the efficacy of the drug is not only heightened substantially when it is taken together with pseudo-Liberal propagandistic tripe, popularly marketed as Red Bull, but that the two administered together increase suggestibility and enhance natural mimetic tendencies in the recipient.

The recommended initial starting dosage is one pony glass of B & B & B three-quarters of an hour before classes begin. According to the individual reaction of each child, the dosage may be increased to a shot glass, and, in cases of extreme incorrigibility, where the child continues to ask incisive and/or critical questions and/or evinces empathy and/or demonstrates any degree of non-acceptance of authority; a chaser of Red Bull can be recommended as well.

Um, say what? You say you have objections to your child taking an experimental soporific drug that will render him or her optimally socially malleable? Well, just try to "Just say no".

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel

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