BEING TOLD IT'S TIME TO GO


Someone wrote the following to me on a message board that I tried desperately, and failed miserably, to become an accepted participant in for three years. I really should have left on my own, in fact I tried to innumerable times, but loneliness drove me back to where I did not want to be and where I was not wanted.

"Doreen,

Nietzsche also said, even though I aint to particularly fond of him

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

"If God or whatever gave you the gift of being more intelligent than your average fellow human being then don't use that gift by separating yourself from them, putting yourself on a pedestal above them, dismissing them. ‘Cause what’s the point with that? If you do that then your high Intelligence has become a curse rather than a gift. There are, as I see it, more important human qualities than high intelligence. Compassion and empathy for example. To measure a person by his/hers IQ only is as wrong and silly as for example measuring a country’s greatness out of the size of its armed forces. High Intelligence is something you were borne with, one can say. It is nothing that you have worked hard for to achieve. To rank people out of qualities that came with birth is as wrong as wrong can be according to me. The true measure of a man/woman is how he/she treats someone who can do him/her absolutely no good, someone wise said. Don’t go looking for recognition Doreen. At least not here. There is really no need for it. What is written in your own book is all that should matter. But if you feel that it don’t, then it means that you are in doubt. And if so, then you should go somewhere and do some thinking cos’ you sure as hell aint gonna find any answers here."

I responded:

I understand your intentions in writing what you did and I appreciate them. Thank you for taking the time to write what you did.

There are a few inaccuracies in what you wrote, as should be expected after all we are only acquainted through this message board, but the general point you made about me "grinding water" here, as the Hebrew saying goes, is dead-on accurate.

No, I'm not insecure about my abilities. Those damned abilities have been the bane (and bulk) of my existence for as long as I remember myself.

I do not need recognition per se. Like every gifted person, I have a deep-abiding need to give away what I have. That something is very beautiful and it is not for everyone to receive. I am engaged in a continual search for those who I can share it with. They are very few and far between.

Most Human beings do behave monstrously, and yes, I have become all too much like them too often and I experience profound disgust when I see that in myself.

I am not afraid of staring into the abyss within. We are old and dear friends the inner abyss and I. It is the wellspring from whence all creativity comes. It is awesome rather than dreadful.

It is the abyss of being misunderstood that is so, well, abysmal and that which I dread. Isolation has been very aptly described as a "death-in-life experience without the "blessing" of unconsciousness" by the brilliant psychologist Dr. Miriam Adahan in her book IT'S ALL A GIFT.

Thank you for telling me that I really do need to shove off. It would be easier if I thought there was a peer group for me somewhere, but I know there is not. There is family and there is work and I know I should be turning more attention to them.

You are so very correct. Being as I am is more of a curse than a blessing, no one who was truly gifted ever said otherwise. I've had an interesting experience a few of times. Children with Down's syndrome sometimes stare at me. They seem to be regarding me with understanding and pity.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com