AT FIFTY

I am astounded, perplexed, overwhelmed, delighted and dismayed by the many physiological, emotional, cognitive and social changes that are taking place within me in so short a period of time.

Not since I married and became a mother to my first child have I undergone such extreme and rapid changes.

But my reaction to them is much more like my reactions were to the changes I was experiencing when I was an adolescent. With some of the changes, I find myself asking: Is this normal? When I was an adolescent the changes I didn't understand made me wonder if I was deformed. Now they make me wonder if some pathology is present. Yet, now, as then, it is all so very wonderful. I've embarked on a journey. I have arrived at maturity. From here the path leads to the glory of a ripe and beautiful old age.

True to my INTJ personality, there are few people I feel comfortable enough asking directly about all this. I prefer to do research. So, I scoured the net for information about women in the 50-60 year age range.

I found a good deal of sites about the pros and cons of hormone replacement therapy (that is out of the question for me).

I found a number of very good sites relating to nutrition appropriate at this time.

I found some sites discussing plastic surgery (Yikes! Heaven forfend!).

A few sites speak about dating once again at age 50+. A goodly percentage of women at this age find themselves back on the dating circuit and they are trying to cope with that. Hey; if I wanted to "cope" with that, I'd just revert to my Polyamorous ways, which somehow seems far less exciting as I've moved away from the time during which sex was largely a showcase for the body beautiful and death-defying acrobatics.

One site that I found is a compendium of the personal reports of women in the 50 to 60 year old bracket about their experiencing "aging". This was the most disappointing of all.

I'll offer some excerpts here:

"Sarah is 55, married, a marketing executive and thinking about making a change in her career. She does not fear her own aging process and tries each day to count her blessings. But in the next breath she says: “I just hate my sagging buttocks, and that pants are defining me at this age. No stretch pants for me.”

God! Is this what a woman comes away from 55 years of life experience with - defining herself by how her butt looks in pants?!

"Ruth is dreading turning 51 on her next birthday. Her biggest worry is becoming “invisible” to her coworkers. As a professional stockbroker, her job requires her to look good, perform well and compete with other money managers rising through the ranks, both male and female, many of whom are much younger than she...Most of the time, though, she keeps busy working and draws tremendous satisfaction from being able to bring home plenty of the green stuff."

I suppose if you can't be much of anything else, having money can be a comfort – and a distraction. But, having money is no excuse for being a nothing otherwise. Finding comfort in one's income is a cop-out.

"Ruth wishes she didn’t feel invisible. “In my 30s, I could turn heads with no trouble. I enjoyed seeing those necks twist.” It’s been a long time since that happened though, and she’s beginning to let that go."

I believe, and it is my experience, that an *interesting*-looking woman continues to turn heads, perhaps not for her youthful beauty, but because she radiates something (of course having a meter of silver hair and dressing in caftans in a country that has solidly adopted Western dress, as I do, may help in this).

Jane's way of dealing with aging involves embracing narcissism. Behind her are the days of living for others. Jane is one of those women who never got the balance between being for others and being oneself quite right.

None of these women can serve as a fitting role model for me, neither do I relate to any of them profoundly.

I'd be a liar if I said that some of those concerns don't cross my mind. They do, but fleetingly. Those are not my main concerns.

None of the sites I've searched for, read and reread over the last few days gave me the profound answers I seek.

The Talmud says: "...an old woman is a treasure."

*That* is what I am looking for: how to grow into being a treasure.

In a culture that does not revere the aged; that does not use the term "elder" with deep-abiding respect; in fact, one of the commonest uses of the term 'elder' is in the phrase 'elder abuse', which is all too common; in a culture in which the word 'aging' is derogatory; in which the wisdom of elders is not sought out, indeed is not so much as acknowledged, or, for that matter, cultivated and in which the elders are shunted aside, even institutionalized; it is no wonder, but so terribly, abysmally sad, that the advice offered to women over the age of 50 is to have plastic surgery, take synthetic drugs that can cause terminal illnesses and try, desperately, to look and act young for as long as possible.

The elders, for their part, are guilty too: How can youth respect a mature woman whose foremost concern is her sagging butt and who grieves that she can no longer wear stretch pants?

The only guides I seem to have are the teachings, memories and the Spirit that my Grandmother and her Sisters left entrusted within me. They were true treasures and my Grand-Aunt Bea, now well over 90 years old remains so.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com