QUEEN DOREEN OF IRELAND

Just a couple of days ago a friend from the States wrote to me that he has, after decades of profound political consideration, come to the conclusion that what is best for America is a monarchy. He, quite naturally, sees himself as the monarch best suited to the US's current needs.

Serendipitously another friend from Scotland was also lamenting the fact that there is no Queen of Scots presently and stated categorically that she intends to apply for the job.

That got me to thinking. I wannabe a queen too. Ireland immediately sprung to mind. It's certainly a modest enough fiefdom, being the dinky island that it is, wherein alcoholism and zaniness are rife among the sparse population. I don't ask for much. A humble and magnanimous autocrat I would be!

Queen Doreen. Yes! It even rhymes. Queen Doreen of Ireland. The vision began to take shape. It seemed so right. After all, my father, who hails from Ireland, emigrated to the County of Queens. He lived most of his life there until he met my mother. Then they both moved to the County of Kings, where I was born in Kings County Hospital. My claim to the throne of Ireland is solid, irrefutable. Being Queen Doreen of Ireland is my manifest destiny!

Elatedly enthusiastic I told my friend: "This is gonna be really kewl. Ye shall be the Queen of Scots and I shall be Queen Doreen of Ireland."

She looked at me levelly and pronounced: "You can't be the Queen of Ireland, Doreen. You're not vapid enough."

Not vapid enough! Disqualified because I am not vapid enough! It cannot be true! Her words echoed in my mind, a bleak sentence. I was stricken. I was crestfallen. I was, like, really bummed out.

I realized she was right though. I wonder if there's a finishing school where prospective monarchs can acquire and cultivate the requisite level of vapidity to be a queen, the Queen of Ireland in particular. I do so wannabe.

I think I'm going to consult with that nationalistic Irish group who claim that the Celts are the aboriginals of North America and were the citizens of Atlantis. They certainly seem to have the goods.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel