Lexicon of Internet English in the Post-Traumatic Orthographic Era


I've always been a firm believer in the maxim I made up a couple of hours ago: If you can't beat 'em, legitimize 'em.

With the undertaking of this Lexicon I hereby officially attest and confirm that I have given up all hope of ever expecting to find standardized English on the internet. I've undertaken to compile this Lexicon to the purpose of conferring a measure of acceptability and respectability to the patois that we encounter on the internet simply because there are more of them than us.

Kindly allow me to proffer the following gems for starters:

Carnelian - Posted on a message board by a fundamentalist neo-con when describing the drives that motivate homosexuals and other "pervs" (see below). A compound word that has been contracted and simplified into a single word. My guess is that it is carnal + anal + alien. (See my post "Spacegirls").

Could/ Should/ Would of – An ubiquitous error made by the linguistic have-nots.

Discusting and its variant form Descusting - These revolting misspellings of the inflected verb 'disgusting', as it used to be spelled in the English we once knew and loved, are often encountered on the internet. Since no amount of spelling bee tutorials seem to have helped the people who insist upon regurgitating these misspellings on message boards; a nice hot cup of ginger tea might soothe those of us who see what's wrong with this picture.

Fluxuate – This is either a misspelling of 'fluctuate' or relates to noxious effluents.

Hostel-Hostile used interchangeably - Perhaps the people who do not know the difference between 'hostel' and 'hostile' are being held hostage at the Hotel California.

Insightful-Inciteful used interchangeably – Taking the metaphor of a smoldering gaze way too far.

Insinewate – Being bound by that which one implies.

Mellowdramatic – Should be the synonym, but becomes the antonym of 'histrionic' when spelled this new and innovative way.

Morphon – This is an insult. This appears to be another case of a compound word that has been contracted and simplified into one word. I think it is a contraction of moron + morphologically deformed. The irony of the fact that this word was coined and is much bandied about by a semi-literate does not escape the Editor of this Lexicon.

Bozon – The appellation applied by the Editor of this Lexicon to the person who calls people 'morphons'. The term means that he is a little clown in a spin who doesn't matter much.

Oh, contrare! – I love it when you speak French, Morticia!

Perv or its variant spelling pev - An abbreviation of the English noun 'pervert'. Only the good Lord knows why the noun is alternatively abbreviated without the letter 'r'.

It is my hope that the compilation of this Lexicon will be an ongoing project. Please feel free to add any and all misspellings, misstatements and/or malapropisms that you have encountered on the internet which so irk you that you have to spit them out and get them out of your system.

New Additions:

Broach-Brook used interchangeably – This mistake was recently made by the Editor of this Lexicon. For whatever the reason may be, I'm having a good deal of trouble coming up with a funny quip about the provenance of this particular error.

Candidness – This is actually the correct form of the noun. The candor is a large Andean vulture that is in danger of extinction. It is already as dead as the dodo in cities like New York and London, where the candor was overtaken entirely by far more sophisticated, and deadly, predatory foul.

Digustment – This is the form of 'disgust' employed by those who wish to state categorically that that the noun is intended, not the transitive or intransitive forms of the verb. See also: Discusting and Descusting above.

Earily – Hearing odd things.

Except-Accept used interchangeably – The acceptionally linguistically challenged experience a great deal of trouble utilizing the terms 'except' and 'accept' appropriately. These people seem to be legion on the internet. It is a very common error and one we are simply going to have to learn to except.

Explane – A plane that came under the influence of a gravitational field. Also the description of a being that makes no contact with any ground whatsoever.

Hocked up-Hopped up (on drugs) used interchangeably –This is someone so strung-out on drugs that they are under the influence most of the time and have pawned all of their belongings in order to pay for drugs.

Independance – The White man's response to the Ghost Dance.

Moot-Mute used interchangeably – This is a point that it would have been far better had the person who made it shut up rather than stating it.

Parsing an acronym – The Editor of this Lexicon was amused no end to read a Braggadocio of Mensa who claimed that there is nary an acronym that she cannot parse.

Them selves – This should, of course, be those selves.

Vicous - Not sure if this is vicious or viscous. It may be either, or both, as the social circumstances dictate.


Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel