Come As You Are - Verdeutschte und Verbessert

The afflatus for the following rewrite comes, oddly, from
Shakespeare –the Yiddish rendition of Shakespeare to be accurate.

The frontispiece of the book reads: Shakespeare auf Yiddish – Verdeutschte und Verbessert

In that spirit, here you have The Vaselines – if not uebersetzt,
then surely verbessert:

First, the original, mediocre, not-quite-grungy-enough lyrics:

Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don't be late
Take a rest as a friend as an old memoria
Come dowsed in mud, soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend, as a friend, as an old memoria
And I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun

A few nips and tucks and it'll be the true grunge it was meant to be:

Cum as you are, as you were,
As in my fantasy
As a friend, as two friends, as an old enemia
Take your time, hurry up,
Don't cum before me. Don't be late.
Take a breast from a friend, here's an old mammary
Cum dowsed in mud, soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend, as a friend, as an old mammary
And I swear that I don't have a gun
No, I don't have a gun
But I do have a dungeon