BIRD FLEW, UH, FLU

I received the following message just the other day.

There is a lab in Safed that has the responsibility to check fordiseases in birds. If anyone finds any birds that are actingstrangely or are dead, please contact them. If the bird is dead theywill need to have it as soon as possible, it would be good to coverit with an upside down pail with a heavy rock on top or something sothat predators dont get it. Then call one of these numbers right awayand ask them to pick it up:_______________(numbers provided). Thanks.

In order to deal with my fear, I employed the age-old self-defense mechanism of sick humor. I made a few additions to the notification. My additions are in lilac:

LABORATORY TO CHECK BIRDS:

There is a lab in Tzfat that has the responsibility to check for diseases in birds. If anyone finds any birds that are acting strangely or are dead, or both, please contact them. Contact who? The lab or the birds? How does one make contact with birds that are acting strangely? These birds may be seriously psychotic. Are there avian psychiatrists? How do I contact dead birds? Are there mediums that do that sort of thing?

If the bird is dead they will need to have it as soon as possible. It would be good to cover it with an upside down pail. An upside down pail. Yeah, right. I always carry one in my back pocket. Put a heavy rock on top or something on top or something? What are the options? so that predators don't get it. A heavy rock. Uh huh. I always have one of those at the ready too. You never know when a predator will try to eat my pail and I'll have to protect my proprietary rights by bashing its skull in with a heavy rock. Then call one of these numbers right away, because you can't be sure that the bird will still be dead when they get there if you don't hurry and ask them to pick it up. Ask them to pick it up? That sounds pretty Jappy. Pick up what? The bird, the rock, the pail or the lab?

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com